An Open Letter to You, Jon Gosselin

Dear Jon,

I hesitate to write this letter, as you are getting much more than your allegedly allotted 15 minutes of fame.  And by much more I mean anything past that first second was enough.  But I really need to get all of this off of my chest.  And then?  Then I’ll be done. 

First of all, Jon, you are not a clothing designer.  In fact, you know nothing about clothing.  Please take a moment and look back at old episodes of your stupid show.  Remember what you used to wear?  Gap sweaters with the big horizontal stripe across the chest (circa 1997).  Or T-shirts that quoted Bible verses or had stupid phrases sprawled across them. Until you became cool and hip and


trendy and started wearing Ed Hardy.   Wearing Ed Hardy isn’t going to make you young and hip.  Or change the fact that you have eight kids.  Even if you were just a regular 32 year old, this type of fashion choice would be unacceptable.  And to now think you can design children’s clothes for the label?  I can’t think of anything worse than a trying too hard 32 year old wearing Ed Hardy except for, well, a four year old wearing it.  Just because you wear it doesn’t mean you should be designing it.  You don’t see me calling up Tory Burch and being all like, “Hey, T, love your shoes.  Do you think I could give you some ideas for your spring line?  Great, thanks.”  And PS, Tim Gunn is not happy with your choices, either.  And PPS:  word of warning (or, should I say, two words):   Von.  Dutch.

This brings us to one other fashion decision you’ve made lately–the diamond studs.  Again, I’ll go with the classic “who do you think you are” and leave it at that.

Today you are all over the headlines, saying that Kate stole your wedding band…that you took it off and left it lying there and she took it, as she is the only person who could have.  A few things about this.

  1. Did you take it off and leave it somewhere on purpose with the hopes she would do so?  I wouldn’t hold that past you.
  2. Remember those eight kids you have?  Are they not around?  Do they not pick up things they shouldn’t pick up and put them back someplace other than the place they found them? 
  3. Do you really care what happened to the ring?  Could you not look at this as a symbol, or some sort?  As a sign that the circle of love is, in fact, broken and lost?  

In a bout of extreme (and I do mean extreme) boredom this weekend I found myself watching an old episode of your show (note to TLC:  J&K+8 marathons aren’t going to be bringing in the ratings.  So please?  Stop running them.) and was astounded by the way Kate treated you.  In retrospect, this whole divorce thing was a long time coming.  Had I known to look at how she berated you constantly, even when she was supposedly giving you compliments, I would have urged you to get out sooner.   That you put up with that for so long is nothing short of amazing.  She’s really a piece of work, that Kate.  And I’d like to keep thinking that…that it’s her fault, that you’re the victim.  But your recent behavior and allegations and trash talking is making us hate you and become ambivalent toward her.  As someone who’s trying to sell himself as a brand (because, lbh, that’s exactly what you’re doing right now, whether you acknowledge it or not), you’re kind of doing yourself a disservice.

Jon_Gosselin_parties_a7f8Also, stop with the Las Vegas party hosting and the bikini clad entourage.  I bring you back to those eight children.  What do you think they are going to think when they see their father cavorting poolside with 20 somethings, as though he’s on spring break?  A person is often judged by the company he keeps.  That Hailey of yours?  The one you’re already so in love with?  Don’t forget that however great she may be, there are inappropriate photos of her floating around all over cyberspace…pictures that any person with even a modicum of intelligence could easily find.  I can see it now, “Hey, Dad, I just found a picture of Hailey!  She’s taking a hit from a bong and not wearing pants!”    I will not even mention the shenanigans on the yacht in Europe.  Or your rendevous with Michael Lohan in the Hamptons.  You’re a suburban dad from Pennsylvania.  Stop fronting like you’re some misplaced hipster who’s trying to find his place in the world.  Each day you act like you’ve been acting or say the things you’ve been saying, you lose one breadcrumb on your road to stability and normalcy.  If there even is such a road for you any more. 

And what’s with the smoking?  Really?  Is that a habit a 32 year old just picks up?  Because I can bet my bottom dollar that Kate would have no such thing in her pristine, organic home.   Is it the stress of being a big time clothing designer and part time dad that is bringing you to huff and puff? Did Hailey introduce you to it?  Did you succumb to the peer pressure?  Is it peer pressure if the person is ten years younger than you are (and the behavior, for that person, is slightly more acceptable, or at least expected)?  And, while we’re talking about Hailey…do you really think that she is going to stick around after your Us Weekly  covers diminish?  Do you think it’s going to be cool for her when those monstrous child support payments start going in to Kate every month?  When she has to deal with those eight kids as their step-mother?  Didn’t she just stop babysitting, like, three years ago?


You’re setting a bad example for so many people–for your children, especially.  But also for all those men out there who are in the process of getting divorced, for single fathers who are struggling to care for their children, for men who have been burned by the woman they love.   You may be a good enough dad when you’re actually with your kids.  But you need to carry that over to when you’re not with them.  Because just because they’re not with you does not mean that everything you say and do isn’t going to get back to them or affect them in some way.  Now, I’m not a parent or a relationship expert or a psychologist (or even remotely qualified to give you advice in any way) but I know that what you’re doing is wrong and it’s annoying.  If I know anything, it’s that we all make decisions in our lives and that we have to deal with the consequences of those decisions–good or bad–and not be resentful of them or take our frustration out on others. 

I’m exhuasted.  That is all.  Go design some t-shirts or meet Hailey after class on the quad or something. 




Filed under Annoying People, open letter, pop culture, Reality TV, things i don't understand

7 responses to “An Open Letter to You, Jon Gosselin

  1. I’m a Kate fan, I admit it. I definitely am taking her side on this but can I just say that Kate fan or not, your post was hilarious and dead on. Please find a way to mail it to Jon Gosselin asap. Maybe you could tie it to a blonde chick in a bikini and have her as the delivery girl. At least you’d know he has a good chance of getting it.

  2. Allison

    anxiously waiting for an “Open letter to Kanye West”

  3. Elsa

    No kidding … although I have to say that I suspect Kate smokes, too — I think it’s why she’s always chewing gum on camera.

  4. This was a great article. I think I would like to see you do a piece in the future on Hard Drive Enclosures that are compatible with dessert hot spots in Tyson’s.

  5. following your blog, great stuff!

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