First of all, I’m really sorry that Tony broke up with you the day before your Ken and Barbie birthday party. And that, because of your breakup, you were unable to host said party and all the amazing planning (and costumes!) went to waste. I’m sure the margs you downed to drown your sorrows helped, though. That tequila has always been a good friend to you, I know. (Note: the average 6 oz margarita has 168 calories…not too bad if that’s all you drink. But we all know you favor the super sized variety, you know, the ones that come with the chips and salsa at your favorite Mexican restaurant. I’m saying this not to be mean and/or snarky but, rather, to alert you to possible bad habits that could be leading to your sadness and weight gain. See below.).
I’m sorry, too, that there are rumors floating around that Tony is already dating someone new [and younger and skinnier, per Us Weekly]. I mean, it must be a major development and breaking news if Us Weekly has put you (and not the Gosselins) on the cover this week. I’m sorry their headline is so misleading and scandalous. They make it sound as though he came to a recent concert…with a girl. When, in reality, she was at a show a while ago and you actually met her. She thought you were sweet. What is not sweet is the fact that the two, while reportedly spending time together, are not dating but are intimate (according to a friend of hers). Classy.
PS, Jess? You’re not fat. Now, you may not be as skinny as you were in your Daisy Duke days, but growing up and getting older plays a mean trick on your metabolism. Trust me on this. The weight fluctuations, I’d say, are normal for someone who goes from happy to sad to angry to ecstatic to mopey to energetic on a regular basis. But, Honey, sometimes your fashion choices don’t help your cause. I’ll refrain from mentioning the high waisted jeans at that chili cookoff (or whatever it was). But, I can’t ignore the dress you wore to the AT&T Classic golf tournament last month. Didn’t your mama ever tell you that horizontal stripes are not the best idea on someone who is naturally curvy? Add to that the fact that it was a form fitting dress and you’ve got no reason to be surprised that bloggers around the world posted pictures and called you chubby.
And, Jessica. Sorry you’re getting flack for your “Indian giver” comment. I know it’s a phrase that gets thrown around more often than people care to admit and you probably didn’t think about what you were saying. And I’m sorry that Jon and Kate aren’t acting up this week; if they were, this faux pas wouldn’t have even made Us Weekly’s radar. Hey, Us Weekly…your headline says that Jessica is “under fire.” Um, Indians make fires. That seems a bit stereotypical, maybe, no?
And, Jessica. Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. I know you love your little doggie and that she’s been with you through thick and thin. But do you really need to allow your pooch to kiss you like that? How do you expect to have a new man want to smooch you, knowing that, moments before, your dog had done the same thing. Not attractive, my friend. And don’t give me that crap about how a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. It’s still kind of icky. This photo was all over the internet yesterday, so I know nothing I’m saying about this is original. The captions were all “Jessica and her new boyfriend” and “Jessica making out with her new boyfriend.” If these people knew anything, they’d know your dog is a girl.
Finally, maybe you should think about not dating a celebrity. Not that Nick Lachey (without your notoreity, at least) was ever anything or has amounted to anything since. And, I’ll argue the same about John Mayer. Sure, he’s a musician. But who really, really likes him? He’s just a publicity whore. We all knew Tony was going to be trouble from the beginning. But don’t worry, no one’s going to I-told-you-so you in your time of need.
Cheer up, JSimp. It can only go up from here.